Wednesday, August 26, 2009

what is wrong with me

pre warning- I am venting so if you don' t want to read my small pity party stop now

When Sunday rolled around I was two weeks late for my period. Now my period is never on time after chemo but usually not off more than a week. At that point Clint was stressing out. He was reading online all the side effects of being pregnant on Cellcept. It is really bad. I would most likely have a miscarriage it would be late into my pregnancy and if the baby was born and not a still birth it would probably have a deformity if not mental retard. So I took a pregnancy test to ease the stress for both of us and if I was to get the ball rolling to figure out what I would have to do. We don't even know if I could carry the baby right now. I would have to go off my medicine cause if I stayed on them it would make the baby sick and then me sick. Right now my health is very dependent on my medication. See the problem? Well I have prolonged it long enough... I am not pregnancy. The pregnancy test came back negative. Now why is my title titled "what is wrong with me" because what was my reaction after I found out I wasn't pregnant? I CRIED! I am not ready for a baby right now even if I could have one no problem. But I want a baby eventually. I wanted to get pregnant so that my kids were no more than 3 years apart. But I don't have the control over that. Either we adopt and that could take I don't know how long. Or two we try when I am healthy enough to go off my medication (which I am not close right now) But I will have to take blood thinner shoots everyday in my stomach or butt called lovenox which hurt like hell! If I get sick at all I will be put on a huge dose of predisone. Babies can have issues from moms on predisone, the percentage is not as bad as cellcept but its not much better. Then right after I have the baby I will have to get chemo. Yeah all of that sounds freakin' great. I am just frustrated right now. I know I am so blessed to be alive. I love being a mom to Skyler. He is so funny and adorable. I just hate not having control on when we can have a baby together. I hate not being ablet to even know when we can adopt or try. It is all so "up in the air". I am really for the long story. I am really not tryign to just complain. I just needed to let it all out.


Amber Kei said...

It's completely fine and normal to be wrapped up in how you'd like your family to be. Especially when you have an idea in mind and then you go through something like you have, that changes EVERYTHING! I think you are so strong and so great to come out on the other side of what you've been through and still love life and want more kids! I think you're awesome! Heavenly Father will provide a way for your dreams to be fulfilled...not sure how or when, but hang in there! I'm praying for you!

Likeursoperfect said...

I'm sorry you are feeling like that. It's a tough situation, but you'll get there. =)

Marya said...

I am sorry ...I know what it is like to find out you are not pregnant after thinking/wanting to be. Hang in there!

JnA said...

aawwww hun I'm so sorry I had no idea!! You seemed so sad on Saturday I couldn't figure out why. I know things will get better, we all have our trials and this is definitely something you and Clint can overcome together.
I love ya! I put your name in the temple the other day now I know why I felt like I should! Let me know if you need anything at all *hugs*