pre warning- I am venting so if you don' t want to read my small pity party stop now
When Sunday rolled around I was two weeks late for my period. Now my period is never on time after chemo but usually not off more than a week. At that point Clint was stressing out. He was reading online all the side effects of being pregnant on Cellcept. It is really bad. I would most likely have a miscarriage it would be late into my pregnancy and if the baby was born and not a still birth it would probably have a deformity if not mental retard. So I took a pregnancy test to ease the stress for both of us and if I was to get the ball rolling to figure out what I would have to do. We don't even know if I could carry the baby right now. I would have to go off my medicine cause if I stayed on them it would make the baby sick and then me sick. Right now my health is very dependent on my medication. See the problem? Well I have prolonged it long enough... I am not pregnancy. The pregnancy test came back negative. Now why is my title titled "what is wrong with me" because what was my reaction after I found out I wasn't pregnant? I CRIED! I am not ready for a baby right now even if I could have one no problem. But I want a baby eventually. I wanted to get pregnant so that my kids were no more than 3 years apart. But I don't have the control over that. Either we adopt and that could take I don't know how long. Or two we try when I am healthy enough to go off my medication (which I am not close right now) But I will have to take blood thinner shoots everyday in my stomach or butt called lovenox which hurt like hell! If I get sick at all I will be put on a huge dose of predisone. Babies can have issues from moms on predisone, the percentage is not as bad as cellcept but its not much better. Then right after I have the baby I will have to get chemo. Yeah all of that sounds freakin' great. I am just frustrated right now. I know I am so blessed to be alive. I love being a mom to Skyler. He is so funny and adorable. I just hate not having control on when we can have a baby together. I hate not being ablet to even know when we can adopt or try. It is all so "up in the air". I am really for the long story. I am really not tryign to just complain. I just needed to let it all out.